


Last Kiss (Niall Horan)

by paper_lou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Liam Payne - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Niall Horan - Freeform, Original Male Character - Freeform, liam payne/original male character - Freeform, minor larry stylinson, niall horan/ original male character, no one really likes niall, one direction - Freeform, tbh elliot is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-15 01:18:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11795433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paper_lou/pseuds/paper_lou
Summary: "I never planned on making you cry, but not letting go would be living a lie." -Boyce Avenueor the one where niall and elliot never planned on breaking up, but a year after they bump into each other and everything comes back.(I swear this is better than the description sounds I stuck at writing them)





	1. after (2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small warning: The first chapter is shit. I'm horrible at writing first chapters, but have faith in the story I swear on my cat's life that it'll get better. 
> 
> -Tom

To say it was a dull October day at work was an understatement. Elliot was just counting down the minutes before he could finally go home and finish watching the rest of his latest television obsession; Baby Daddy as he restocked the milk into the chilled freezer section of his town's grocery store. Not what he imagined he'd be doing with his life at twenty-two, but it helped the bills and his co-workers weren't half bad either so Elliot couldn't really complain. Not that he wanted to. The job kept him out of the cold (for the most part) and since the town was small, it was seldom the store was busy so he usually had time to do everything his job required of him and more; making him an outstanding employee. He also liked the peace and simplicity of his job. The steadiness of it. The health care wasn't so bad, either.

  


"El!" Elliot looked up at the sound of his name being called, resting the last gallon of whole milk in its rightful place. When Elliot saw the teal hair of his best friend and roommate, he grinned. "You're taller than me, go restock the spices and I'll trade you places."

 

"Alright," Elliot said, ruffling his friend's hair as he passed her, stopping when he got to the end of the aisle to call back over his shoulder. "Your turn to make dinner tonight, by the way."

  


He didn't wait to hear his best friend's smartass remark before walking across the store to the spice aisle, waving at one of the three cashiers in the store on his way. When he got to the aisle, he shook his head at just how much Skylar hadn't finished before walking over to the boxes of inventory and beginning to restock once again. At least he wasn't leaning into cold freezers in the middle of autumn anymore. He hummed along softly to the song that was on the border of being overplayed that crooned through the store's speakers and tried not to check his watch that often when he heard the voice.

  


"Excuse me, sir?"

  


Elliot closed his eyes for a moment; praying to God it was just his memory fucking with him and fought the urge to curse out loud when the voice sounded again, forcing the twenty-two year old to turn around and face the person who the voice belonged to. Elliot was stone faced and stiff as he looked over the man; fighting the urge to punch the face of the man before him or breakdown right there. He wasn't sure which was worse. He decided the latter.

  


"Elliot, woah." The man said, looking a little surprised to see him. He got that a lot from old friends; not that Elliot would consider him one. "I didn't recognise you."

 

"Can I help you?" Elliot's voice was detached and cold, trying not to show any emotion whatsoever.

 

The man stared at Elliot for a long time, his blue eyes searching in a way that made Elliot want to run away. He wouldn't be able to find anything, though. Not after a year. "How are you, El?" His voice was so cautious, it made Elliot want to cry. Or scream. Or both, honestly.

 

"I'm fine." Elliot's responses remained short and clipped. Informal. "Is there something I can help you find?"

"Uhm," The man paused and Elliot let himself look over just how much he had changed. He'd filled out more and his hair had gone from its bottle blond back to his natural dark brown. It suited him. "Actually, yeah. Where's the deli? They remolded since I moved."

 

Since you left. Elliot thought with a bit of venom, but smiled tightly and nodded. "It's at the other end of the store. Right by the entrance," he said in a impersonal, polite tone. "You can't miss it."

  


The man nodded, but lingered and after a moment; Elliot turned around and focused a little too hard on the spices he was putting away. The man didn't move, though and Elliot could feel his gaze on his back. Searching him. Burning his skin through the material of his work uniform. Making him squirm a little, if he was being honest and soon enough it became too much. Turning around, Elliot looked at the man and asked in a wary, more sharp tone.

  


"What do you want, Niall?" He asked, just wanting him to go away. "Let me do my job. Please." He didn't mean for the last word to sound so soft and pleading.

 

"I want to apologise." Niall said after another moment's pause. "I'm sorry. For everything."

 

"You've said sorry, now go." Elliot bit, his breaths becoming a little more ragged. He was going to have a panic attack.

 

"I-" Niall started, but Elliot cut him off; his hands shaking slightly now.

 

"I said _go_ , Niall." His voice was cold and nothing like usual. He couldn't be anywhere near Niall. Not now. Not ever.

  


Niall stared at Elliot for a moment longer before nodding and leaving without another word. The moment Niall was gone, Elliot took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose; counting backward from one hundred and focusing on his breathing before he had a full blown panic attack. He was just happy today was one of the slower days in the store and no one was around to hear or see it. That would be embarrassing.

 After a few minutes of calming himself down, Elliot put his glasses back on and went back to restocking the shelves with shaky hands and a clouded mind. It was like that for him for the rest of the day and it must have showed because Skylar would make small, concerned comments about Elliot's sudden quiet behaviour. He usually wasn't a quiet person and he hadn't fallen into a mood like this for almost a year and for a few minutes; Skylar worried that it had something to do with his recent increase in testosterone intake. After reassuring her he was fine and was just tired, Skylar eventually backed off and Elliot clocked out ten minutes early for the first time in three years.

 The drive home was slower than usual; the streets of the town Elliot spent almost his entire life in bringing back memories he'd thought he had gotten over and the songs on the radio seemingly trying to send him over the edge and after turning off the radio completely; the silence rang so loudly in his ears, his head hurt. By the time Elliot got back to the apartment, tears stung his eyes and his body shook with the force it took to keep back the tears just long enough to get to his bed.

 Once there, Elliot collapsed on top of the mattress and curled into himself; raking sobs shaking his entire body as he pressed his face into his pillow to muffle the sounds in case Skylar came home early. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them tightly; the tears eventually stopping and sleep replacing them. That's how he was when Skylar came home; curled tightly into a ball, tears staining his cheeks and a frown creasing his face even in his slumber. It didn't take long for Skylar to realise what had pushed Elliot to this point and she had hoped to never find her best friend so torn again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo what's up. 
> 
> So I am Thomas, but call me Tom. I wanted to write a gay Niall fic that paired him with someone outside the band as the main focus because I don't really think that I've seen it before and the gays gotta represent. I'm gonna say this now so there's no confusion anywhere in the story, but Elliot is female to male transgender meaning he was assigned female at birth and it making the medical transition to help how he feels inside match how he looks outside. Him being transgender is not going to be the focus of the story, though because Elliot being transgender is not that big of a deal. 
> 
> Anyway, this is also my coming out lmao I'm transgender too so hi.
> 
> -Tom


	2. before (2012)

_"Eighteen, bitch!" Skylar called out with a loud whoop, holding her drink in the air as she celebrated her first official night as a legal adult._

 

_Elliot laughed and raised his bottle along with the other people in their college dorm room in return. They'd only been attending their local state university for a month and already Skylar and Elliot had made a good amount of friends. All of which couldn't care less that Elliot was just a little different than their other male friends and it felt like a weight off both their chests seeing as people were a little less accepting in their hometown._

_Now, though, away from the closed minds of their small town, the two friends celebrated Skylar's eighteenth birthday the only way college kids knew how. A party that was probably breaking every dorm rule established, but that didn't seem to matter much their dorm adviser was taking shots with a few people from Skylar's graphic arts class by in the corner and the only other people who could get them in trouble didn't care enough to alert the campus security of their slightly illegal get together._

 

_With that in mind, Elliot stood atop their small coffee table and raised his bottle high; a slightly tipsy grin on his face. "To the birthday girl!" He started, earning a round of cheers from everyone in the room. "I've known her since I was fifteen and couldn't ask for a better best friend. Happy birthday, Sky. To many, many more."_

_The rest of the room cheered again as Elliot knocked back the rest of his almost warm beer. He needed a new one so, after kissing Skylar on the cheek affectionately, wandered over to their small kitchen to grab another drink. The number of people in the kitchen was far less than the small front room and it felt like Elliot could breathe properly again as he reached into the fridge to grab himself another drink. He looked up when his name was called; frowning slightly at the sight before him as he tried to figure who in the hell invited these assholes._

 

_"Nice little speech there, Ellie." The tallest guy said with an annoying smirk that made Elliot's blood boil almost as much as the nickname that followed him from his hometown. "Cute to see you're still trying to be a guy."_

_"I am a guy." Elliot said in a purposely flat tone, opening his bottle and taking a swig. He tried really hard to keep the fact that their presence was ruining his good night a secret. "Who invited you guys?"_

_"Oh, just a friend," the second man said. "Why, Ellie? Don't want us here? We're friends, aren't we?"_

_Elliot couldn't help the small snort at that. "No. We're not. Now can you please go? You wouldn't wanna ruin Sky's big night." He looked back at the tallest guy. "Right, Davey?"_

_The man, David's, jaw tensed slightly before shaking his head. "Let's go." He said after a minute. "This party's lame anyways."_

_Elliot wagged his fingers in a sarcastic wave, watching the two idiots leave the way he guessed they came before shaking his head and taking a longer drink of his beer. "Assholes." He muttered to himself, leaning against the counter. He needed a minute to calm himself down._

_To his surprise, a voice sounded from the right. He didn't know anyone had been paying attention what with the loud music. "You okay?"_

_Elliot looked over to where the voice came from and smiled at the familiar face. It was someone he knew from his theatre and music history class. "Hey, Louis." He said. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just some assholes trying to ruin my night. It's okay, though."_

_Louis nodded and smiled as he brought his red solo cup to his lips, taking a drink before answering. "Small town dicks are the worst, aren't they?" There was humour in his voice and Elliot remembered why he liked the blue eyed boy so much._

_"Yeah." Elliot nodded and smiled, the small interaction with the less than accepting people in his life already out of his mind. He easily changed subjects to a lighter one and laughed for a while about school life and their upcoming school production of the famous Phantom of the Opera._

_It turned out both boys wanted either of the lead roles and agreed to run lines with each other in between classes and studying when Louis' new boyfriend (according to Louis, the two had only been dating for a few weeks), Harry joined them and brought up a friend's bowling night that he and Skylar were more than welcome to join them. Elliot, more than happy at the chance of becoming better friends with Louis and meeting more people, agreed eagerly before wandering off to find Skylar. He was excited to tell her about their plans for the next weekend when he quite literally stumbled upon the sight before him; tripping over someone's feet and crash landing on top of Skylar and whoever it was she had been making out with._

_Skylar pulled away, her cheeks burning and her smile more amused than anything. Skylar had never been one to be ashamed of just about anything. The boy sitting next to her, however, looked a little more flustered than anything under Elliot's curious and amused gaze. The poor kid looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Elliot wanted to laugh at how innocent the guy seemed to be. His big brown eyes looked up at Elliot and Elliot simply grinned in return, fixing his glasses then clearing his throat before speaking._

 

_"Sky, you have a bedroom for a reason." Elliot said in a heavily amused voice, still holding onto his beer. He was mildly surprised that he hadn't spilled it everywhere. He'd been known to do that before._

_"Fuck off," Skylar laughed and grinned, shaking her head and looking between her best friend and the kid who still looked borderline terrified. "Chris, this is Elliot. Elliot, this is Chris."_

_"Whaddup?" Elliot said, holding his free hand out to shake Chris'. He chuckled when Chris hesitantly shook his hand. "I don't bite, man. It's okay."_

_Chris nodded and smiled timidly. "Just wasn't sure if you two were-"_

_Both Skylar and Elliot both interjected; equally disgusted expressions on both of their faces. "Dear god, no."_

_Elliot took a long drink of his beer before answering. "I'm gay, to start." He laughed quietly. "And Sky's like my sister. Not something you have to worry about, my dude."_

_Chris nodded, looking much more relieved than five seconds before. "Oh, okay good." He said, relaxing back against the couch a little. "What's your major?"_

 

_From there, the conversation flowed smoothly enough and somehow in the end of it; Chris and Skylar were back in the position Elliot had found them in and all was right in the world for everyone. Elliot went back and danced and partied with Louis, Harry and their friend whose name Elliot forgot and had to ask for a few different times throughout the night. He took shots and laughed and by the time the party ended and unnamed boy with a sexy smile and cheekbones of a God slipped his number into the back pocket of Elliot's jeans, the almost nineteen year old was so tired he could barely think straight. He glanced over to the couch where Skylar and Chris were still talking; having spared Elliot the torture of third wheeling in his own home, and smiled to himself. He'd had a damn good night and was ready for bed; deciding to leave the cleaning up for the morning when he didn't feel dead on his feet._

_Walking to the incredibly small room he shared with Skylar, Elliot changed out of his nicer dress shirt and pulled off his chest bind; feeling the tightness and pressure from his chest going away as he coughed before changing into much more comfortable sweatpants and his favourite night shirt. A shirt Skylar had gotten him their senior year of high school that was almost completely black apart from small white text on the front that read 'I'm a social tool.' Elliot adored the shirt, really and made a mental note to make Skylar's favourite breakfast in the morning as he took his glasses off and slid under his covers; falling asleep before his head hit the pillow with one last thought on his mind._

 

_His life was finally one he could be proud of._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the start of the main storyline, so I promise we'll get more in depth with the characters as the story goes on. I want this story to go from past to present so you can see how everything still effects Elliot and the other characters. The past chapters will all be in italics because it's the past so technically a memory.
> 
> -Tom


	3. after (2017)

It had been almost two weeks since what Skylar had come to call "The Spice Aisle Incident" and it was a topic that wasn't even breathed about in front of Elliot. He still looked a little shaken up, especially after learning that Niall was moving back into town after being away for almost a year. Understandably so, but after seeing Elliot look next to miserable for the better half of two weeks; Skylar, Louis and Louis' now fiance Harry decided that Elliot needed to get out and have a good time and that's where the twenty-two year old was now. Only, he wasn't having fun. Honestly, he was having the opposite of fun; sitting at the bar of the club he had been forcibly dragged to by his friends who, may he remind you, were both happily engaged. End result, two drunken couples dancing along to the blasting music while Elliot sat alone with a beer that had gone warm fifteen minutes ago; effectively becoming a fifth wheel. 

Sighing, Elliot waved down the bartender and asked for a new beer; earning a slightly sympathetic smile from the girl as she got him a fresh beer. Elliot was quick to take a longer drink than probably necessary and looked back at the tightly packed group of people dancing and jumping along to the newest top forty dance his, absently fixing his glasses and musing his hair. He was having none of the fun Skylar had promised and he wanted a refund. Actually, all Elliot really wanted was to go back home to his cat and sleep seeing as it was almost one in the morning and he had work in the morning. He was about to get up and leave when someone he knew from the local theatre he had taken part in for a few years sat down with a grin.  


"Hey, you're Elliot, right?" He asked, sticking his hand out to shake. The man had to shout a little to be heard over the music and Elliot nodded.

"Yeah, you're Liam?" Elliot responded, shaking Liam's hand as Liam nodded with a grin. "Wow, small world."

At that, Liam snorted. "Not really a small world, mate." He said in an amused voice. "This is the only decent club in a thirty mile radius. My friends and I come here a lot." He paused to order a drink for himself. "Haven't seen you here before, though. Thought you said you weren't into this kind of thing?"

Elliot nodded and pointed over to where Louis and Harry were practically dry humping each other on the dance floor. "Them and another couple friend of mine convinced me that this would be fun. I think they forgot that I don't have a boyfriend and wouldn't have as much fun as them."

Liam nodded in understanding, chuckling and taking a drink of the whiskey he had ordered. "Yeah, being a third wheel isn't fun." The brown eyed man took the time to look over at where two girls were hanging onto each other; speaking between giggles and small kisses before looking at Elliot again. "I kind of put myself in your position."

"Oh, did you now?" Elliot asked with a raised eyebrow, a small smile on his face. "And how did you do that?"

"I, my dear friend," Liam said with a shit eating grin as he took another drink of his whiskey. "Was the best wing man that has ever existed and now my friends are _finally_  hooking up after three years of sexual tension."

Elliot took a moment to appreciate Liam's work as a wing man before nodding in approval and raising his beer in a mock toast. "To you and your  _astounding_  skills as a wing man. May you forever help people find the person of their dreams or, at the very least, a good fuck."  


At that, Liam laughed out loud and toasted with Elliot; the two spending a half hour more just talking about life and their friends and family before Liam offered that they leave the club and just walk around so they wouldn't have to shout to be heard over the music and general noise of the club. Elliot happily agreed and after telling his friends, the two grabbed their jackets and left; Elliot shivering at the clod burst of autumn air as they stepped out into the October night. Looking at his phone, Elliot realised that today was his birthday. He was no longer twenty-two. Huh. He expected it to feel a little different. 

Keeping that fact to himself, he and Liam walked around the dark streets of the town Elliot grew up in; just talking about the town and anything else that came to mind. The two ended up stopping at a twenty-four hour diner and laughed over embarrassing university stories while eating greasy burgers and fries with cherry colas and for the first time in almost two weeks; Elliot felt happy. Laughing so hard, he had tears rolling down his cheeks and then walking back to the club once the sun had begun to rise; a more calm a serene feeling settling in his stomach as he and Liam exchanged numbers before parting ways. Elliot drove home with what felt like a permanent smile on his face.   


..  
  
  


"Eli!" Skylar called, crashing on top of the napping twenty-three year old and earning an unhappy hiss from the cat that had been cuddled up against his chest; purring away contently only moments before. "Elliot Thomas, wake up right now."

"What do you want?" Elliot's voice was muffled by the soft fabric of his pillowcase, but the deep annoyance for his best friend seeped through every word. "Can't you see I'm sleeping?"

"Actually," Skylar said with a sarcastic little hum. Elliot wanted to hit her with something. "You're not sleeping. You're speaking which means you're conscious which means you can answer your phone. It's been going off for at least an hour."

Elliot groaned and sighed, sitting up and grabbing his glasses before grabbing his phone off the nightstand. He looked at his notifications; almost all of them from friends and family wishing him a happy belated birthday seeing as he didn't tend to celebrate on the actual day of his birthday. "What's so important about my birthday?" He asked no one in particular as he scrolled through the notifications; thanking everyone with a simple text. He was a man of few words, it seemed. "It's not like my twenty-third birthday is anything special."

Skylar shrugged and took it upon herself to fix Elliot's bed messed blond hair. "I don't know, but it's really annoying. Also, that Liam guy came by while you were sleeping." Elliot didn't miss the look in his best friend's eye at that statement. "He's cute. You really know how to pick them."

Elliot shook his head, yawning as he texted his mom back about coming down for Halloween in a few days; not wanting to miss his youngest nephew's first Halloween before answering. "Liam's just a friend, Sky. We've been over this."

"What kind of friend comes over every single day and then spends almost all night on the phone with you after he leaves?" Skylar questioned with a raised brow. Elliot rolled his eyes.

"You used to do that, remember?"

"Not the point." Skylar said in a playfully annoyed tone. "Listen, Liam is cute okay? He's also probably the nicest guy ever."

"Nicer than your Canadian?" Elliot asked with a little laugh, pulling his grumpy cat into his lap and lazily stroking over his ears. The cat whined in protest before jumping off the bed and strutting out of the room.

"Ha ha," Skylar mock laughed before continuing. "Anyways, I invited him over for dinner so you should dress in something that isn't.. That."  


Elliot looked down at his outfit; an old pair of jeans and a shirt that he hadn't washed in a few days before looking at Skylar again. He didn't see a problem with his outfit. His shirt didn't smell very dirty and his jeans were clean and besides; who was he trying to impress? It was only Liam. Skylar, on the other hand, was already on the opposite side of his room; looking through his closet and pulling down one of his nicer button up shirts that he saved for special occasions like dinners, dates (not like he went on many of those) and family events. After looking through his dresser and grabbing out a fresh pair of jeans, Skylar walked back over to Elliot and tossed the clothes onto his lap before speaking.   


"You've got an hour to get ready, okay?" She said with a sweet smile that meant she was up to no good.   


Elliot groaned and waited for Skylar to leave before standing up to get dressed; knowing there was no chance in Hell he was going to win this one. Dragging himself to the bathroom across the hall, Elliot turned the shower on and tugged his shirt off over his head. He took a moment to look at the freshly healed scars on his chest and smiled to himself before stripping down completely and stepping into the shower. He didn't spend long in the shower before getting out and dressing in the clothes Skylar had picked out for him; finding himself taking time to do his hair and put on cologne. Not something he did unless they were going out and Elliot wanted to impress people. 

Skylar called that Liam was there about twenty minutes later while he and Chris were sat on the sofa; playing Mortal Kombat and playfully insulting each other as they did. Elliot paused the game and stood, smoothing his shirt out before walking to the door to greet Liam with a bright smile. Liam looked amazing, to say the least. His hair was smoothed back and he had on a dark red button down with black jeans and a knitted black sweater. His cheeks and nose matched his shirt and his smile crinkled his eyes slightly and Elliot had to remember how to breathe because it seemed he had forgotten for a few moments.   


"Liam, hey." Elliot said in a slightly breathless tone before moving out of the way to let Liam in properly. "You look nice."

Liam ducked his head almost shyly as he stepped in and shrugged out of his sweater. "Thanks. You look good, too." 

Elliot smiled at Liam and the two just stood for a minute in an almost shy silence that consisted of small smiles and blushed cheeks until Skylar cleared her throat; reminding the two that she was in fact there. "Okay, you two," she said, leading them back to the living room where Chris was now playing the story mode. "Dinner's almost done, so why don't you set the table?"  


Elliot and Liam nodded simultaneously before Elliot led Liam to their makeshift dining room and began to set the place-mats while making idle small talk that eventually led to easy and light banter. Their friendly banter turned into a loud and unplanned dinner party when Harry and Louis showed up with a bottle of cider and wide smiles; both of the men's cheeks flushed red with the cold. Of course, they had come over unannounced, but no one minded one bit and it only made the dinner better. 

Midway through the dinner, Louis kicked Elliot under the table and smiled at him knowingly and before Elliot could set things straight, his best friend turned to Liam; who was in the middle of a rather funny conversation about the importance of pineapple on pizza with Chris. "Hey, Liam," the blue eyed man said. "You and Elliot hang out a lot?"

Liam looked at Elliot and smiled brightly and if Elliot's heart skipped a little as he smiled back, then no one needed to know. "Hopefully so."

Hopefully so, indeed.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was bad I'm so sorry yikes I promise I'll get better.  
> -Tom


	4. before (2012)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is short sorry

_Elliot grinned at possibly the worst joke Harry had told that night; his teeth glimmering slightly in the neon lights of the bowling alley they were at. The music that played through the speakers was almost completely drowned out by the sounds laughter, conversation, pins being knocked down and the games from the arcade on the other side of the alley and the air smelled like pizza and bowling shoes. It was a distinct smell that had even the most wound up person relax, Elliot being one of those people. He, Louis, Harry, Skylar and to his surprise, a friend of theirs that Louis had brought along had been bowling for about thirty minutes and none of them were any good so it mainly consisted of a lot of laughing and gutter balls. Not that Elliot minded, of course. He was just there for the fun._

_"Harry, please refrain from telling jokes ever again." Skylar snorted as she poured more Cola into her cup from the pitcher, a bright grin on her face. "Honestly, they should be illegal at this point."_

_Harry pouted playfully before smiling in return and walking over to Louis while Elliot rolled his eyes fondly and grabbed his ball. Elliot fixed his glasses before bowling and watched as he hit a decent amount of pins; clapping and doing a little dance before walking back over to his friends and pretending to flip his hair while speaking._

_"And that, ladies and gents, is how it's done." He said in a mock posh voice, earning a laugh from his friends and a sassy remark from Louis._

_"You only hit four, El." The shorter boy said before pointing to the ball return. "I'll be impressed if you get the rest, now go."_

_Elliot stuck his tongue out and laughed at Louis before grabbing his ball once again and turning back to face where Louis was sitting next to Harry; tucked under his arm. "If I get a spare, you pay for pizza and soda and all of my tokens for the rest of the night."_

_Louis thought about it for a moment before nodding and smiling, relaxing back against Harry as he spoke. "Deal. If you don't though, you have to pay for all of it."_

_"Deal." Elliot hummed and turned, his focus on getting the other six pins down so he wouldn't have to pay for the rest of the food and drinks and Louis' tokens for the night._

_To his astounding luck, Elliot managed to knock all six of the remaining pins down and he bounced in his joy, jumping into Louis' friend's arms without really thinking. The friend didn't really seem to mind, though; just hugging him and congratulating on beating Louis before setting him down. Elliot took a moment to look at the friend and smiled brightly. The boy obviously bleached his hair and braces glinted in the purple glow of the neon lights while blue eyes were bright with an easy happiness that seemed to be set deep within him. He was honestly kind of beautiful._

_When Elliot realised he was staring, he apologised before looking over at Louis and doing another little victory dance while Louis grumbled playfully about the game being rigged. Skylar had gone up next, knocking down three pins and getting a gutter ball in the next turn before plopping down next to Elliot and leaning against him dramatically. Elliot snorted at her behaviour; his lips resting on the rim of his paper cup filled with Cola and raised his eyebrow when he saw what he liked to call her 'thinking face.'_

_"What?" He asked, feeling a little self conscious for a moment. Was there something on his face?_

_"Niall's been staring at you all night." Skylar said in response after another moment of silence. "You should talk to him."_

_"Niall?" Elliot asked, a little confused. He was horrible with names, but was pretty sure he didn't know a Niall._

_"Louis' friend, you idiot." Skylar chuckled and subtly pointed over to where Niall was sitting with Harry while Louis took his turn. "You should talk to him."_

_"Yeah, okay." Elliot laughed and shook his head, taking a drink of his soda before finishing his answer. "Probably doesn't like guys."_

_"It's rude to assume someone's sexuality, El." Skylar pointed out before standing up and shaking her own empty cup. "I'm gonna go get us another pitcher and if you're not talking to him by the time I get back, you're doing dishes for two weeks. I mean it." She pointed at Elliot and tried to look serious, but Elliot could see the mischief in her eyes._

_"Okay, Mom." Elliot shook his head, but stood anyway as Skylar walked to the front to order more soda. He walked over to Niall and Harry and smiled a little awkwardly. "Hey, guys."_

_"Hey, man." Harry said easily, grinning at Elliot before looking over at where Louis had been calling his name. "Gotta go."_

_Before either Elliot or Niall could say anything else, Harry had already left and after a moment of semi awkward silence, Niall patted the spot next to him and Elliot sat down. "Hey. Elliot, right?"_

_"Yeah," Elliot nodded and smiled a little sheepishly. He hated Skylar. "You're Niall."_

_"The one and only." Niall said easily, seeming to have relaxed already. "Hey, I don't want to be rude or anything, but uhm, what are your pronouns?"_

_"My pronouns?" Elliot had not really been asked this before. After coming out, he was usually the one to tell people to use male pronouns and it was a little shocking that someone else asked first. "He, him. Thanks for asking."_

_"I just didn't want to assume anything, you know?" Niall said with a soft hum, sticking his hand out to shake Elliot's which honestly seemed a little redundant after Elliot had jumped into his arms only minutes before. "You go to school here?"_

_"Yeah, I'm a psychology major." Elliot said, shaking Niall's hand and smiling. He felt much more relaxed now. "You?"_

_"Yep," Niall nodded and smiled back. "I'm a music major. Kind of cliche, but I want to be a singer someday."_

_Elliot nodded at Niall's response, finishing off his soda before answering. "Not cliche at all. I'm sure you'll make it big, if you don't suck."_

_Niall laughed and shook his head, the sound of his laughter light and genuine. Elliot liked him already. "Thanks, mate." The two fell into a more comfortable silence for a while before Niall spoke again. "Hey, since Louis is officially paying for your tokens for the rest of the night, wanna check out the arcade? I bet I can beat you at ski-ball."_

_"You're on." Elliot grinned and stood up, walking over to Louis and throwing his arms around the shorter boy dramatically. "Louis, since you have lost our bet, I need you to buy me tokens. Enough so Niall and I can play for a while."_

_Louis was about to protest when he heard the mention of Niall's name and suddenly smiled, nodding and grabbing out his wallet. He handed Elliot two twenty dollar bills and patted his back. "Knock yourself out." He said before turning back to Harry and now Skylar._

_Elliot grinned and walked back over to Niall before the two walked to the arcade; conversation flowing easily from one topic to another while they traded the money for tokens and walked over to the row of ski-ball machines. They played two rounds of ski-ball; Niall winning one and the two tying in the other before trying to win as many tickets as they possibly could; laughter bleeding through almost every word of their endless conversation. They found that they were both horrible at the penny toss and amazing at the racing games and Niall had a secret talent for almost always getting the jackpot on the spinning wheel of tickets. Elliot had grinned proudly after showing off his talent for the claw machine by winning three different prizes that he gave to Niall; who in return, fake swooned before dragging him over to the ticket counting machine._

_After counting up their tickets, the two boys walked over to the prize counter and ended up both getting matching sunglasses and a Tootsie Pop before walking back to the others. Skylar, Louis and Harry all smiled at Elliot and Niall as the two approached; Louis nudging Skylar with his elbow before pointing at the three stuffed animals Elliot had won from the claw machine. There was a knowing look in his light blue eyes and Elliot would be lying if he said he wasn't confused._

_"Who's a God at the claw machine, then?" He asked and Niall was quick to jump in, a bright grin on his face._

_"Elliot," he said quickly. "Holy shit, you should see him man. He doesn't even try. He just- he just does it. He doesn't even really think about it at all. It's amazing."_

_Elliot's cheeks were flushed a bright red at Niall's praise when Harry took his phone out and looked around before asking a teen girl to take a picture of the group. Elliot was quickly smashed into the middle of the group picture; Skylar on his left and Niall on his right. Elliot's arms were thrown over both of their shoulders and Skylar had given him dog ears while Niall wrapped one arm around Elliot; the other arm gripping the three stuffed animals. Harry stood next to Skylar and Louis on Niall's other side; all five of them wearing bright smiles and Niall and Elliot matching their flushed cheeks. The girl handed the phone back and Harry thanked her before they went back to their game. After the game was over, the group went their separate ways; Niall and Elliot exchanging numbers and hugging a little longer than the rest of the group before getting into their own cars. Elliot smiled like an idiot the entire way home._

_Harry posted the picture later that night and gave each member of their small friend group a copy of the printed picture a few days later. Elliot framed his and it sat on his dresser between a picture of him, his family and Skylar at their high school graduation and a picture of him and his grandpa when he was ten. The picture fit right in with the others and Elliot often found himself looking at it over the next few days, smiling to himself every time he saw the picture of the group; their faces forever happy and at ease in that frozen moment and when he invited Niall over a week later to help him study for a Psych test; Niall grinned at the picture before sitting down on Elliot's bed._

_And as the days turned to weeks; more and more framed pictures were set on the dresser and his nightstand and his small dorm finally felt like home. All pictures reminding him of happy moments with his favourite people; a new life and home he had built for himself in his small college town with his new family and Elliot didn't regret a single moment._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't the best. I just wanted to introduce Elliot and Niall's relationship and show how easily they clicked. Also when I said minor Larry, I meant pretty minor until later on in the story. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> -Tom


	5. after (2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my longest chapter so far woah

Elliot and Liam had been on three dates in the two months they had known each other. Once on Halloween, which Elliot would barely call a date. They went to a party, got wasted and spent the entire night slurring about their favourite costumes and what they missed most about being a kid on Halloween. The second date, Liam asked him to the autumn fair and Elliot had the photobooth strip rested on the edge of his mirror and the third, they had simply spent the day huddled up under Elliot's favourite blanket with mugs of cocoa; watching the first snowfall of the year from the living room. They hadn't kissed yet and Elliot was happy Liam had agreed to take it slow because as pathetic as it seemed, there was a part of him that still wasn't completely over Niall. But then again, did anyone ever really get over their first love? 

Elliot was thinking about that when his eldest nephew came over to the sofa where he was sitting and sat down with a curious expression. This was the first Christmas since his seven year old nephew was two that Niall wasn't there with him and it was hard for everyone. Elliot especially. Noah curled up against Elliot's side and looked at the cartoon movie that was playing on the television for a while before looking up at the twenty-three year old. There was a question and slight hurt in his hazel eyes and Elliot knew what the question was before the little boy even opened his mouth.

 

"Where's uncle Niall?" His voice was small and curious and Elliot wanted to cry.

"He's not gonna be here this Christmas, bud." Elliot said after a moment, ruffling Noah's dirty blond hair playfully. 

"Why not?" Noah frowned and Elliot wondered if anyone had told the kids about their breakup. Probably not. 

"Well..." Elliot trailed off and sighed, chewing on his lip for a moment or two before answering. "It's complicated, kiddo. Niall and I aren't together anymore." The words felt like venom on his tongue.

Noah's frown deepened and his shoulders slumped forward. "Why? What happened?"

Elliot's oldest brother, Nicholas, must have noticed the conversation or the look on his youngest brother's face and walked over; lifting Noah up and playfully throwing the little boy over his shoulder. "Alright, turd face," he said with a small smile. "No more bothering uncle Elliot anymore. Let's go see what Nana is doing in the kitchen, huh?" He set Noah back down and fixed his son's Christmas sweater before holding out his hand.

 

Noah whined, but took Nick's hand anyway and walked away to the kitchen, leaving Elliot alone with his now deafening thoughts. This was his first Christmas without Niall. The house he grew up in felt a lot different now that Niall wasn't there to make stupid jokes, play with his nieces and nephews, steal food off of Elliot's plate or sleep in his old bed next to him; whispered conversations in the middle of the night filling Elliot's childhood bedroom when neither of them could sleep. Now there was just the memory of everything. Pictures of the family with Niall in them hung on the walls next to pictures of Elliot and his siblings growing up. Elliot hadn't even checked his bedroom because he knew it would be so much worse and he wasn't ready to face it. Not now and not ever. He decided then he hated Christmas and would give anything to be at Disney World with Skylar and Chris and their families in that moment. Or with Louis at his family's house like he was offered. Maybe he could have just stayed home and gone on another date with Liam. Anything but sitting in the living room, staring at the pictures with Niall in them that hung on the wall. 

 

An urge that Elliot hadn't had in three years began to itch at him until he couldn't take it anymore and the blond stood; grabbing his jacket and his keys. "Mom," he called out as he walked to the front door while slipping his winter coat on over his sweater. "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"

Kiara poked her head out the doorway that led to the kitchen and smiled her familiar, comforting smile. "More apple cider, please." She said with a soft hum and Elliot found himself smiling back at her despite feeling upset. "And if you can, can you get your sister from Hannah's on the way back?"

"Yeah," Elliot nodded and smiled a little wider when Kiara walked out of the kitchen and over to him, handing him a ten dollar bill and kissing his cheek. "I'll be back in a while." 

"Alright, Ellie," the only person who could still call Elliot his childhood nickname was his mother seeing as she was the one who gave it to him. "Drive safe, okay? People never seem to learn how to drive in the snow."

Elliot nodded but could see the genuine worry in his mother's eyes and sighed softly, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "I will, Momma." He said softly. "I promise."

 

Elliot's mother nodded and pressed one last kiss to her youngest son's cheek before letting him walk out onto the snowy front porch. Elliot took a deep breath before walking to his car and getting in, letting the car heat up before driving the short distance to the convenient store. He sat in the car for a minute before going inside and smiling at the woman behind the register; walking along the aisles lazily and smiling softly at the sight of a young boy and girl begging their mom to get a certain toy that they had in their hands. He remembered all the times he and his younger sister would beg their mom for toys and candy or fight over which toy to get when they could only get one. A much easier, more peaceful time in Elliot's life. 

The twenty-three year old shook his head, a little disappointed in himself for being so upset about a breakup that happened a year ago. He grabbed two bottles of apple cider before walking to the front of the store. Elliot grabbed a pack of Skittles and hesitated before speaking to the cashier who had known him and his family since before he could even remember.

 

"Can I get a pack of Camels?" He asked, mostly avoiding her gaze in an almost shameful manner. Smoking had never been something Elliot was proud of.

The cashier nodded and set a pack on the counter before ringing Elliot up and smiling at him softly. "Tell your mother I said hello, okay?"

Elliot nodded and stuffed the cigarettes into his pocket before answering. "I will. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Christmas wasn't for three more days, but he knew the convenient store closed tomorrow for the holidays and wouldn't reopen until the twenty-seventh so Elliot always wished the store owner happy holidays before leaving the shop.  

 

Elliot walked back out to his car and set the bag with the bottles of cider and his Skittles in the back seat before leaning against his car and lighting a cigarette after opening the pack. He always kept a spare lighter in his car in case he needed it and now he needed it more than ever. Elliot inhaled slowly, relaxing visibly as the nicotine calmed him down. It was a disgusting habit and Elliot would scold anyone who tried to pick it up. He hated that he picked up the habit and felt horrible for smoking again after three years of being clean. 

After smoking the cigarette, Elliot got into his car and drove to his sister's friend's house. He hadn't seen Hannah since her high school graduation and was excited to see how the girl who might as well have been his other little sister growing up was doing now. He knocked on the door and grinned when his little sister answered, opening his arms for her to crash into before hugging the twenty year old tightly. 

 

"Hey, sis." He said, rocking them side to side for a moment before leaning back so she was at arm's length. "Did you get a nose piercing?"

His sister, Jasmine, nodded and smiled before hugging Elliot tightly once more. "You look good, El." She said before taking a deep breath and frowning. "Have you been smoking?"

Elliot shrugged slightly and looked past Jasmine, his eyes scanning the living room for Hannah. "Where's Han?"

"You're avoiding the subject, so I'll take that as a yes." Jasmine said with a soft sigh before calling out. "Hannah, come here!"

Hannah came around the corner and gasped at the sight of Elliot, running over and practically knocking the twenty-three year old over with the force of her hug. "Elliot!" She called out happily. "Oh my god, look at you! You look amazing."

Elliot laughed quietly and rubbed Hannah's back gently before letting go and fixing his glasses. "So do you, Han." He said. "I really like your hair like this. Better than the straight across bangs, huh?"

Hannah rolled her eyes and huffed before speaking. "Shut up, bowl cut." She teased playfully before giving Elliot a longer look. "You've gotten taller."

"Well, four years of testosterone will do that." Elliot snorted softly before turning back to Jasmine, who was eyeing her older brother carefully. "Come on. Mom wants the cider in the car asap. James already drank the bottle she bought last night."

"Of course he did." Jasmine shook her head with a soft smile and after a few goodbyes and a promise to visit before going back home, Elliot and Jasmine walked out to his car. It was quiet for a minute before Jasmine spoke. "You know why you quit in the first place."

"I know." Elliot said, really not wanting to have this conversation at the moment. He kept his eyes on the road.

"Mom's gonna be pissed." Jasmine said in the same level tone as her older brother and Elliot fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"Wasn't planning on telling her."

A pause.

"Look, I know you loved him and everything and I know how hard it was for you when he-"

"Jasmine, shut up." Elliot said, his grip on the steering wheel turning his knuckles white. "Don't even go down that road. It was one cigarette and we're not going to tell Mom, okay?"

Jasmine was quiet for a minute before sighing. "Give me the pack, okay? I'm not gonna tell anyone."

"I paid five dollars for this. No way." Elliot shook his head as he turned onto the street he grew up on. "You can have the Skittles, though."

Jasmine thought about it for a while before groaning and shaking her head. "Fine. You're a grown man, but know if Mom finds out you started smoking again, she'll be heartbroken."

 

Elliot didn't respond to that, turning into the driveway a few minutes later and getting out. He grabbed the bag out of the back and handed Jasmine the Skittles before walking back into the house that now smelled like the Christmas cookie candle his mom was so obsessed with. James was sitting in Elliot's spot on the sofa with his daughter Stella resting on his lap; pointing at the TV where Frosty the Snowman was playing and babbling her baby language. The sight of his youngest niece smiling and talking made Elliot smile softly before looking at James and shrugging off his coat.

 

"Try not to drink all of it before dinner, will you?" Elliot said in a teasing tone, easily pretending that he was fine and nothing was really wrong. He could tell it had his older brother fooled by the way James rolled his eyes in response. "I got two bottles this time and one of them is strictly for Christmas dinner."

"Okay, Mom," James teased back before standing up and resting Stella on his hip. He walked over to Elliot and Elliot smiled at Stella; reaching for the bouncing baby girl. "Take her for a minute. I have to call Kaylee's mom to let her know we'll be there on the twenty-sixth." 

 

Elliot nodded and took Stella, kissing her chubby cheek affectionately before resting her on his hip and taking the bag with the cider to the kitchen. His mom and two oldest nephews  were still in the kitchen; the seven and six year old boys watching as Kiara rolled the dough for the Christmas cookies. He lightly kissed his mother's cheek before putting the cider bottles in the fridge while balancing Stella on his hip. Tyler, his six year old nephew, smiled at Elliot widely and pointed to his chest.

 

"Uncle El," the six year old said happily. "I fell and got a scar on my chest just like you!" Tyler lifted up his shirt and Elliot laughed softly at the small scar on his nephew's chest. It looked like it was a newer scar and Elliot shook his head fondly.

"How did you do that?" He asked, leaning against the counter and bouncing Stella on his hip gently. 

"I fell out of a tree last month."Tyler stated proudly, grinning widely and showing off his first missing tooth. "I had to get three stitches!"

"Really, now?" Elliot hummed and looked at his mom, who was rolling her eyes fondly and muttering something about how him being just like his father as she got the cookie cutters out. "You gotta be more careful, Ty. You don't wanna knock your head and really hurt yourself, right?"

Tyler thought about it for a moment before shaking his head. "No, sir," he said before smiling again. "But now we match! Can I see your scars again?"

Elliot laughed softly, remembering the first time his family had seen him after his top surgery last year. Tyler, who was only five at the time, thought it was cool that his uncle now had scars on his chest. "Not right now, bud." The twenty-three year old said, distracted for a moment when Stella gripped his hair suddenly. "Ow ow ow," he said, gently taking the baby's hand out of his hair and kissing her palm lightly. "We don't pull hair, silly girl."

 

He was only answered with Stella's happy giggle and her favourite word, "Boo!", which Elliot took as an apology. James came into the kitchen not long after; taking Stella back and ruffling Tyler's hair while talking to Kiara about the drive to his in-law's house the day after Christmas and then home after that. Noah and Tyler were using the plastic cookie cutters to make Christmas themed cookies and he could hear Nicholas and Jasmine arguing about what movie was better to watch on Christmas. He knew his sister in-law's were somewhere in the house with the youngest kids and Elliot felt a strange (or not so strange) feeling that something was missing. After five Christmases, their family had gotten used to Niall's presence in the house. Usually, he and Elliot would be in the front yard making a snowman or in Elliot's room playing videogames or studying. If not there, Niall would be cutting cookies or helping his brother's wives with the babies. The two would also probably be sneaking small kisses on the sofa while cuddled up and watching Elliot's siblings argue over movie choices.

In Elliot's train of thought, he hadn't even noticed the few tears that fell from his eyes onto his cheeks until Kiara was touching his shoulder gently and James was ushering the boys out of the kitchen; both children wearing confused expressions as to why they had to leave so quickly. It didn't take long until Elliot's face was pressed against Kiara's neck and he was fully crying while his mother held him in a gentle embrace. She stroked over his blond hair and let him cry without saying anything. She waited for Elliot to speak first, though she already knew why he was crying.

 

"I miss him so much, Mom," Elliot finally said between quiet cries. "Why do I still miss him?"

"Because you were together for five years, honey." Kiara said in a soft voice, still stroking her son's hair. "You love him. It's going to hurt for a while and the first holiday without him will always be the hardest."

Elliot was shaking slightly in his mother's arms now; trying to be as quiet as possible so he didn't make the kids worried. "Why is Christmas the hardest, though?" He asked in an almost hopeless tone. "I was fine on Halloween and Thanksgiving. Why now?"

"Because Christmas was home," Kiara said softly, echoing his words from the second Christmas he had brought Niall home. "Christmas is different because Christmas was home."

Elliot shuddered at the memory of him standing on the porch, watching Niall play with a three year old Noah with his mom; his breath visible as he told her Christmas was home and that he loved Niall. "I wanna call him, Momma."

Kiara immediately shook her head, leaning back so she could look at her son's broken expression. "No." She said sternly. "Don't even think about calling him. You know what happens when you do."

Elliot nodded, but his heart ached to hear Niall's voice in his moment of weakness. It was something he did a lot in the beginning of the breakup and after Skylar found out, she sent Elliot home without his cellphone. "I know," he said, sniffing and letting out another cry. "I know and I'm sorry. I-I just-" he cut himself off when his cries got worse, taking his glasses off and pushing the heels of his palms against his eyes. He no longer heard his siblings arguing in the living room. In fact, the house was silent apart from his cries. "I love him, Mom. I hate myself for it, but I sitll love him so much."

"Of course you do, Ellie," Kiara said sadly, her heart breaking at the sight of her son in so much pain. "He was your first love. You were together for five years and the break up was so sudden. It's okay to still love him."

 

Elliot didn't respond after that, just hugged his mother and cried into her neck for a while longer before eventually stopping and wiping at his eyes with the hem of his sweater. After cleaning himself up, he went out to the front yard where everyone had migrated to during Elliot's small breakdown and ignored the looks his siblings and in-law's gave him. He pretended what happened in the kitchen didn't actually happen and joined his nephews and niece in the front yard; helping them build snowmen and chasing them around the front while his family watched on. It seemed they all caught on that Elliot wanted to pretend he didn't miss Niall as much as he did and for his sake, they played along. 

When nighttime came around and everyone was asleep; Elliot sat on his childhood bed and stared at his phone which sat on his nightstand. His hair still damp from his shower and his nails bitten to the point where two of them were bleeding; his blue eyes trained on his phone as he held an internal war over whether or not to call. His weaker side eventually won and he picked the phone up; thumb lingering over the call button before closing his eyes and pressing it. The phone only rang twice before Elliot heard his soft voice on the other end. They both knew it was late and they both knew Elliot shouldn't have been calling, but they wouldn't have to tell anyone.

 

"Niall," Elliot breathed out in a small voice, bringing his knees to his chest. 

"Hey, you," Niall's voice was equally as small and Elliot wondered if Niall had been sitting awake all night, too. "Wanna talk?"

"Yes, please." Elliot nodded and sniffed slightly, his eyes trained on the picture of him and Niall at James' wedding. His mother had taken the picture when they were dancing and their foreheads were rested against each other's; their eyes closed with happy smiles on their faces. He remembered every detail about that night. 

"Alright," Niall said in the voice he had used to calm Elliot down from the first night he witnessed one of the twenty-three year old's panic attacks. "How are you, moon?"

Elliot felt tears rush down his face at the affectionate nickname and he gasped slightly before speaking. "I miss you."

There wasn't a moment's hesitation before Niall spoke. "I miss you, too, moon." Niall's voice was sincere and that was the worst part.

Elliot was quiet for a long time as he cried silently into his knees before asking in a small, vulnerable voice. "Promise?"

"Promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, Tom here. I'm working on getting the next chapter up asap, but my genius self broke my wrist while messing around with some friends so there is a small delay. I'm sorry!


	6. before (2012)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao ya boi has a broken wrist but i had chapters written out to publish whenever so here.

_Elliot would be the first to admit that he had more than friendly feelings for Niall, though the eighteen year old was pretty sure that fact was obvious by now. The two had spent every day together for two solid months and with Elliot's nineteenth birthday rolling up; the blond was sure something was up with Niall. He assumed it was simply him and their other friends planning a surprise party, which Elliot enjoyed in theory. Not so much in practice. Not the point, though. In the current moment, Niall and Elliot were walking along a hiking path in the woods by the local park; cheeks and noses flushed with the cold and hands stuffed into coat pockets. Elliot's blond hair was stuffed into a beanie and Niall had the hood of his coat pulled up. Their breath was visible in the cold and Elliot didn't think he'd ever stop smiling; blue eyes almost stuck on Niall's side profile. It struck the eighteen year old over and over again that the boy who was so animatedly talking about his life growing up in Ireland was beautiful. His cheeks flushed a bright red with the cold of the October afternoon and his smile bright; braces on full display (which Elliot had learned wasn't a common thing Niall did. He was very insecure about his braces.) Elliot couldn't get his heart to calm down with Niall so close and he wished he was just brave enough to reach out for his friend's hand._

_Instead, though, Elliot just listened to Niall talk about what life was like in his small hometown and how even though he missed it, he knew it was healthier for him to live in America and fell harder with each passing moment. Niall glanced at him with his bright smile and happy eyes and Elliot suddenly felt like he was in a teen novel because in the same moment, the first snowfall of the year began; sending small, white flakes falling to the ground from the dull silver sky. It was incredibly early, but Elliot took it as a sign from whatever God was up there that this was meant to happen. Niall looked up at the sky and chuckled softly; his breath coming out in visible puffs with each word._

_"It's snowing a little early this year, don't you think?"_

_Elliot nodded, his gaze never leaving Niall as he spoke. "It doesn't usually snow until mid November. Then it doesn't stop until March."_

_Niall laughed and looked at Elliot and Elliot could have sworn he saw something in the bottle blond's expression for just a moment. Elliot couldn't place it, but something was there before Niall started to walk again. The two moved from what it was like for Niall growing up to Elliot and his childhood. Elliot told Niall anything he wanted to know and found himself smiling at simple childhood memories. He told Niall about his awkward first kiss at twelve and what he thought was his first love felt like and what it was like to grow up with three siblings while Niall laughed and cooed at all the right moments and before either boy even knew it, the sun was beginning to set. The snow had continued its light fall while the boys began to turn around to walk back to the park where they had met up. Elliot only got a few steps ahead of Niall when suddenly he felt Niall grab his hand. Elliot blinked in surprise a few times before turning around and looking at Niall. The two stood in silence for a few moments before Niall stepped forward and looked at Elliot with a now nervous gaze. Elliot swallowed slightly as his gaze flickered to his friend's lips before moving back to his blue eyes. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and the eighteen year old was afraid Niall would be able to hear it due to their close proximity._

_"Elliot," Niall breathed out softly, their hands still gripping each other's lightly as they both stood almost completely still. "I'm gonna kiss you now, okay?"'_

_"O-Okay," Elliot got out after another moment. He couldn't think straight. Did he hear Niall correctly?_

_Niall didn't respond, instead leaning in and pressing his lips so lightly against Elliot's, it reminded him of the snow. Elliot returned the pressure, his mind going completely silent apart from the feeling of Niall's lips against his own and the warmth of Niall's palm gripping his. It was everything Elliot could have dreamed it would be and so, so much more. Elliot had never been kissed like this before. God given, Elliot could count on one hand how many times he had been kissed, but this was still the best. It was soft and sweet and innocent and Niall's lips were cold from the mid October air. The kiss was everything. Niall didn't pull away for a few more moments and when he did, there was a shy smile on his face; cheeks flushed even deeper than they had been before their kiss. Elliot felt dizzy and lighthearted and amazing. Their hands were still gripping each other's in a grip so gentle, it strangely made Elliot want to cry. The eighteen year old looked down at their linked fingers and smiled before looking back at Niall and squeezing his hand gently._

_The two didn't say anything on the walk back to their cars; just the sounds of their feet crunching in the soft snow and the feeling of their palms pressed against each other's softly. Elliot could still feel the phantom pressure of Niall's lips against his and wondered if it were going to be obvious the two had kissed when they got back to his and Skylar's dorm. Could a kiss so innocent be obvious? Probably. It would be written all over Elliot's face for the next week, he was sure. Niall squeezed Elliot's hand gently as they walked back along the trail leading to the park where kids were sure to have been enjoying the early snowfall; his blue gaze erupting butterflies in Elliot's stomach. Neither boy could stop smiling and their cheeks were a matching red as they finally got back to the park. Elliot looked over to the playground where kids ran around, playing and laughing in the snow while parents watched on by the benches; all chatting with each other. Older kids hung out by the pond; some in groups and couples in pairs. The sight made Elliot smile, always one for appreciating the small things like this in life._

_"Hey, do you wanna go out to dinner tomorrow night?" Niall asked in a shy voice as they passed a few kids who couldn't be older than twelve grabbing up as much snow as possible to throw at each other.  "Like, a date? With me?"_

_Elliot grinned so hard at the question, his cheeks hurt. "Of course." He said without missing a beat and squeezed Niall's hand in reassurance. "I'd love that."_

_"Really?" Niall looked like a little kid on Christmas after opening up a present and finding exactly the thing they had been asking for all year. "Awesome, okay." The two stopped walking when they got to the parking lot. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight?"_

_"Eight is perfect." Elliot nodded and looked down at their interlocked fingers not wanting to let go. Their hands fit together perfectly. He looked back up at Niall and smiled. "See you then?"_

_Niall returned the smile, his own lopsided and goofy and just Niall. Elliot's stomach flipped and his heart raced. "I'll call you later tonight."_

_Then, with only a little hesitation now; Elliot leaned in and closed the gap between the two boys; pressing a soft kiss to Niall's lips and squeezing his hand gently before letting go and stuffing both hands into the pockets of his coat. Niall's entire face was red and Elliot was on top of the damned world. He and Niall parted ways soon after and the blinding smile never left Elliot's face for even a moment. Niall kissed him and he kissed Niall. They were going on a date. Skylar was going to flip her shit; having claimed to ship them the night they met at the bowling alley and even more every time they hung out. Louis was going to be ecstatic, seeing as his subtle intention when inviting Niall out with them that night was to set the two of them up and he knew Harry would be happy for him, too. He and Harry had grown close as well and all Harry ever wanted was to see Elliot happy._

_When Elliot got back to their dorm, he immediately walked over to where Skylar was napping on their sofa and dropped down on top of her; grinning widely and wetting his finger before sticking it into her ear and laughing when she pushed him off of her and onto the floor. Elliot stayed where he was on the floor, leaning back against his palms and grinning at his best friend sweetly._

_"What the hell was that for, you prick?" Skylar grumbled while desperately trying to clean the wetness out of her ear. "I was asleep."_

_"I know," Elliot laughed easily and pushed his hair off his forehead before speaking again. "I have a date with Niall tonight at eight. I thought you might want to know."_

_Skylar froze in her place before looking Elliot over carefully and shrieking; launching herself off the sofa to tackle her best friend in a tight hug. "Oh my god, El!" She said in an enthusiastic voice. "You have to start getting ready right now. I'm gonna call Lou and Harry and Chris and I have to tell your mo-"_

_"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Elliot said, laughing as he detached his best friend from his body and stood up. His entire face was red. "It's one date. You don't have to inform the entire world. It might not even work out."_

_"You're kidding me, right?" Skylar looked at him as if he was stupid.  "Elliot, you and Niall might as well already be dating. You act like a couple without the kissing and sex. This is a huge deal. You two are finally going on a date and your father and I deserve to be excited about it."_

_"My... Father?" Elliot asked slowly, more than confused. When did his father come into this?_

_"Louis. Of course." Skylar said in a tone that made Elliot even more confused. "Keep up, Elliot."_

_Elliot shook his head and turned to grab his toiletry bag from his room. "Right. Well, Mother, I'm going to shower and get dressed. Please be normal by the time I get back."_

_Grabbing his towel and shower shoes, Elliot walked down the hall to the communal bathroom; leaving Skylar to call Louis and Harry while shaking his head at the strange being that was his best friend. His shower was quick, never spending long in the showers at the dorm due to a lot of insecurities before getting dressed; the eternal battle between wet skin and his chest bind leaving the eighteen year old struggling for the better part of ten minutes. He quickly did his hair in a way he knew Skylar would immediately fix before grabbing his things and walking back to the dorm and really, he shouldn't have been surprised when he saw Louis already there; sitting on his sofa with Harry tucked against his side while playing their PlayStation. Greeting his friends quickly, he ducked into his room and counted the seconds before his friends stormed into his room and critiqued every part of his outfit. He got to thirteen before Louis' voice could be heard._

_"Alright, El, let me get a look at what you're wearing tonight."_

_Elliot shook his head, his blue eyes rested on the picture of their night at the bowling alley and smiled before opening the door to his room. "Judge away, Father."_

_Louis snorted and dragged Elliot back to the small living area, making the blond haired boy turn in circles for a while before helping him with another outfit and fixing his hair while chattering excitedly about how his sons were finally going on a date after months of "sexual frustration." Harry gave Elliot sympathetic smiled and it wasn't long before Chris showed up as well, congratulating him on the date before dropping down next to Harry and picking Louis' controller up; the two bickering over Mortal Kombat while Louis primped and prepped Elliot until the younger boy met his expectations. After Elliot was done getting ready, Louis pulled him down on the floor in front of the couch and more or less forced him into a friendly cuddle. Elliot was more than happy to curl up against Louis and laugh as Chris and Harry traded playful insults and trash talk over the video game and Skylar ordered a pizza._

_By the time Niall showed up, Elliot considered just asking if Niall wanted to stay in with the rest of the group, but taking one look at how stunning his date looked; Elliot knew he wanted Niall to himself that night. Louis and Skylar insisted on taking prom style pictures; insisting that it was for the memory book and neither boy was complaining. It ended with another big group picture and then Niall took Elliot by the hand; a mischievous twinkle in his deep blue eyes and Elliot knew he'd go wherever Niall was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye they kissed for the first time. Now, the before is meant to be a little rushed until we get to about the middle of the story. Have faith in me, y'all I promise it'll be worth it. 
> 
> Also, Niall dropped Flicker and it made me too gay to function.
> 
> -Tom


	7. after (2017/18)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao it's still October everyone get ready we're going into the future.

Elliot really wished he could say that the late night phone call to Niall was a single moment of weakness, but Elliot would be lying. It became a nightly occurrence after everyone in his family went to sleep and honestly, Elliot would stop calling if Niall would stop answering but neither of things happened. Every night after making sure his family was asleep, Elliot locked himself up in his room and called Niall and every night; Niall answered in the same soft voice. It hurt Elliot more than it helped him and he couldn't stop himself. Niall's voice was familiar and soothing and he told Elliot things he wanted to hear. Made promises that both men knew he couldn't keep and Elliot ate it all up and that's where he was now. Only, it was New Year's Eve and he was back at his apartment locked in the bathroom with his phone pressed against his ear. He could hear his friends on the other side of the door counting down the minutes to midnight. Niall's end of the phone was just as noisy and Elliot hated himself for the pang of jealousy that hit him. He tried to focus on Niall's voice rather than the muffled noises in the background.

 

"Is he there?" Niall asked, referring to Liam. Elliot had briefly told Niall about him seeing Liam and Niall had remained quiet throughout that duration of the conversation. Now, his voice sounded off and not like himself. Elliot tried not to read too much into it.

"Yeah." Elliot murmured quietly, counting the tiles on the floor in his head as he spoke; sitting on the edge of the tub. "He's probably waiting for me." He should probably go back out to the party before his friends started worrying about him. He didn't need that right now. 

"You should get back to him, moon." Niall said in the same soft voice as before and Elliot closed his eyes before he started crying. "You don't want to miss your New Year's kiss."

Elliot didn't answer for a long time and when he did, his voice was just barely a whisper and he wasn't sure if Niall even heard him. "Do you have a New Year's kiss?"

"No. Not anyone specific, at least."

 

 _This is our first New Year without kissing each other._  Elliot thought, looking out the window of his bathroom. He couldn't see anything but the snow around the edge of the window and the black of the night outside. In the living room, he could hear the countdown from ten and then Liam knocking on the door; calling out his name happily. Elliot took a deep breath and whispered a goodbye to Niall before hanging up and opening the door. He was pulled out to the living room and handed a drink by Louis; Liam's arm wrapped around his waist. It was easy for Elliot to put on a smile; shouting the countdown from five with his friends and press his lips against Liam's while the people around him cheered and brought in the new year. It was easy to pretend he wasn't going behind everyone's back to talk to the very person who brought him so much pain, he couldn't get out of bed for almost two weeks and it was easy to pretend he'd rather be doing just that. To any of his friends, he was happy with his life and his new boyfriend. Though Elliot wasn't so sure himself, so he just kissed Liam back and smiled into the kiss; raising his drink and yelling out a Happy New Year with everyone else and prayed to God that this sinking feeling in his stomach would go away.

 

~.~

 

"So, I was thinking that we should set Zayn up with someone," Liam said two weeks into the new year. He and Elliot were playing video games after spending the entire day snowboarding with their friends and a new edition to their group. Zayn was a friend of Liam's and Elliot kind of had to agree. 

"Alright, yeah." Elliot nodded, pausing the game to look at Liam and pushing his hair away from his forehead. Liam smiled and kissed Elliot's cheek in return. the small gesture made Elliot smile softly. He could tell Liam had really been trying to be a good boyfriend since they had made things official and Elliot didn't deserve him. "Who, though? You know him better than I do."

Liam thought about it for a moment, his hand coming up to gently play with Elliot's hair; scratching at his scalp lightly. "Well, you know that girl from my work? The one with pink hair and attitude?"

"Perrie, yeah." Elliot nodded. He liked Perrie quite a bit, actually. "You think her and Zayn would be good together?"

Liam grinned at Elliot and lightly tugged on his hair. "Hey, you're talking to the guy who got two of his best friends together after three years of them denying their feelings. I think I know a good pair when I see one."

Elliot snorted and shook his head before resting it on Liam's shoulder. Moments like these Elliot felt genuine happiness being with Liam. "You're right, you're right. Mister Match Maker, huh?" His voice was fond and when he tilted his head back to smile at Liam, Liam pressed a kiss to his lips. 

 

They stayed like that for a while, just kissing lazily between Fifa matches and stopping once to make popcorn and hot cocoa. A few hours later, Skylar and Chris came home and smiled at the couple that was curled up under the blanket that rested over the back of the sofa for this exact reason; their eyes still on the TV where they were now playing Mario Kart. Chris grabbed a controller and joined in the next round while Skylar took a shower and changed into something more comfortable. There was easy small talk between the four and eventually, they turned the PlayStation off in favour of deciding to all go out for dinner. While Liam went home to get dressed, Elliot called Louis and Harry to invite them along before getting ready himself. The excitement of going out with the group of friends that might as well have been his family sent a growing blossom of happiness through his body and Elliot found himself smiling and laughing more naturally than he had since New Year's Eve. 

The dinner was amazing. The group of eight (Liam had invited Zayn and Perrie) went to a local Chinese restaurant and the conversation never had a dull moment; the swell and flow of different topics fitting together easily and their laughter filling up the tables they had pushed together to make room for their large group as they ate and drank happily; Elliot leaning against Liam while listening to stories of him growing up the only boy in a family of three. At some point throughout the night, Elliot and Louis had partaken in a game of kicking each other in the shins under the table which ended after Elliot accidentally kicked Harry and proceeded to be scolded alongside Louis about acting their ages. Louis kicked Elliot again for good measure once the lecture was over and Elliot spent the rest of the dinner glaring at the twenty-six year old. The air of the dinner was light and easy and it was easy to fall into the rhythm of being young and it was what Elliot desperately needed. 

That was until he walked in with a few people Elliot vaguely recognised as friends. The colour drained from Elliot's face and he quickly turned back to where Louis was talking about some new kid at work that had spilled coffee all over their CEO and put on a strained smile. Elliot hadn't seen Niall in person since the spice aisle incident and Jesus Christ, it didn't get any easier. Leaning further into Liam; Elliot tucked his head into the crook of the brown eyed man's neck and put all of the focus he could into Louis' story; laughing and smiling at all the right times while Liam gently rubbed his thumb that had slipped under Elliot's shirt over his skin. The motion relaxed the twenty-three year old immensely and soon he found it easier to listen and smile properly. 

 

"Eli," Liam murmured a few minutes later while Elliot picked at his plate; his heart having sunk back to his stomach at the sound of Niall's laughter from a few tables over. Elliot looked up at Liam. "You feeling okay, babe?"

"Uhm," Elliot paused, unsure whether to say yes and go back to eating or say no and go home. "Ask me again in a few minutes?"

Liam chuckled softly and nodded, too good for Elliot. He pressed a sweet kiss to the blue eyed man's lips and then his forehead; lips lingering and Elliot knew it was to check his temperature. "Alright, handsome. I'll ask again after we decide if we want dessert or not."

 

Nodding, Elliot kissed Liam again; this kiss lingering and Liam gently cupping Elliot's cheek in his hand and the gentle touch turned Elliot's lips up into a smile as he kissed his boyfriend. After the two pulled away, Elliot glanced over to where Niall was sitting and saw the man was already staring back at him; an unreadable expression on his face before turning back to his friends. It didn't take long for Elliot to turn back to his own friends and once again lose himself in the swell of the conversation. The conversation had moved from the embarrassing new worker at Louis' office to Skylar's recent trip to her father's and how he was doing and it wasn't long before Elliot excused himself to the restroom. 

He had become confident in using the men's room on his own six months into his transition and now it wasn't even something he thought about. After doing his business, Elliot stood at the row of sinks and began washing his hands; barely even looking up when someone else entered the bathroom. That was, until he felt a pair of soft hands on his hips and lips on his neck. Turning his head; Elliot smiled at Liam before pressing a kiss to his lips and humming softly while speaking in a playful manner.

 

"Clingy much?" There was a laugh from both men as they shared another kiss.

"Mhm,"  Liam hummed in return, turning Elliot so the shorter man was facing him and gently holding onto his hips as he kissed him. "Missed you."

Elliot snorted and pulled away with a raised eyebrow and flushed cheeks. "I've been gone for like, three minutes Li."

Liam shrugged and grinned widely. "Still." A more serious look furrowed Elliot's boyfriend's brow as he spoke again. "How are you feeling, El? Honest answer, please. We can go back to mine or yours if you're feeling sick."

God, Elliot didn't deserve him. "I'm just not all here tonight," he answered semi-honestly. That counted, right? "I don't want to make us leave early. It's fine." He gently ran his fingers through Liam's hair and smiled softly.

 

Liam returned the small smile after a moment of scanning Elliot's features and nodded before leaning and pressing his lips against the other man's softly. Elliot had barely begun to kiss back when they pulled apart at the sound of someone clearing their throat and the sight before him made Elliot's heart drop past his feet and onto the bathroom floor. Niall stood in the doorway of the men's room with the same, unreadable expression he had when Elliot looked over at his table earlier in the night and all Elliot could think was he was a horrible person. He was a horrible, horrible person and he was going right to Hell for this awkward situation. There was a heavy silence between the three men and Liam wasn't an idiot. Liam had been told about Niall and what happened between him and Elliot by Skylar on a night when Elliot had just burst into tears while Liam was over. Now, Liam's hands had tightened their grip on Elliot's hips and Niall's blue eyes burned holes into Elliot's skin at the gaze. It was a few moments longer before Elliot spoke to Liam without looking at him; his own blue gaze locked on Niall's face.

 

"I wanna go home." 

 

Liam and Niall both reacted to Elliot's words and that seemed to set something off. A ticking bomb that had finally reached zero and there was shouting that Elliot couldn't distinguish for a moment, but quickly came to realise it was Liam spitting insults at Niall and Niall telling Liam to calm down. Elliot's mind clouded soon after as Liam's yelling grew louder; swallowing around the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes at the echoing sound. They were going to be thrown out if Liam didn't quiet down; though that was the least of Elliot's concerns. It wasn't long before Elliot pressed his hands against his ears and stared at Liam with wide, tear filled eyes. A few escaped and fell down Elliot's cheeks and he was beginning to find it harder and harder to breathe. More people had come into the men's room; Louis and Harry being two of them and it didn't take long for Louis to get Elliot out of the men's room and out of the restaurant altogether. Leading the shaking twenty-three year old to the mostly empty street in the chilled January air, Louis gently stroked the back of Elliot's hair and spoke in soft murmurs Elliot couldn't understand; his blue gaze stuck on a spot on the ground until he could clear his cloudy thoughts.

 

"Hey," Louis said gently after a while when Elliot had finally moved his hands away from his ears. "You're okay, yeah? Nothing is gonna hurt you, I promise. Not with your best friend right here."

Elliot nodded slowly, just thankful he hadn't crossed the thin line into one of his infamous panic attacks. He didn't do well with yelling or loud noises in general. "Yeah."

"You wanna talk about what happened?" Louis asked, offering his best friend a cigarette and Elliot didn't hesitate to accept it. Louis had quickly learned about Elliot's relapse and didn't judge him for it; having just relapsed himself after losing his mom. 

Elliot didn't speak until his cigarette was lit and the nicotine calmed his nerves. "Liam and I were talking about me going home because he noticed something was off tonight-"

"That something being Niall?" Louis interjected and Elliot nodded before continuing.

"I told him I was okay and I didn't want to make us both leave because of me and we kissed. It wasn't like, you and Harry in the bathroom at my brother's bachelor party kind of kissing," Louis laughed softly at the memory. "It was just a simple, closed mouth kind of thing. And then Niall walked in and everything was really quiet and tense. I said I wanted to go home and both Liam and Niall moved and then everything kind of blew up."

There was silence for a moment before Louis spoke through the smoke of his own cigarette. "You should have told us Niall was here, Eli. We would hav-"

"No." Elliot was sick of that. "Dammit, Louis. It's been over a year. I can't be babied like this anymore. I need to just get over it and realise these things are gonna happen. He's moved back to town and we're bound to run into each other. I need to just- Just-" He let the stumbled end hang and smoked half of his cigarette before passive aggressively stomping it into the snow. 

Louis was quiet for a while before speaking in a quieter tone. "Elliot, one year doesn't heal five. And the way it ended was bound to deal some scars that are going to take a while to mend. It's okay to hurt when you see him and it's okay to not want to be in the places he is. Even if you've gotten over him."

 

Elliot didn't have an answer to that, instead looking up when Liam walked out and over to him; practically crushing the man into a tight embrace. Elliot gripped Liam back just as tight, his face pressing against Liam's shoulder and his eyes closing for a few moments before leaning back and stroking his thumb gently along his boyfriend's cheekbone. Liam leaned into the touch and kept his arms wrapped around Elliot; neither of them saying anything for a while and just embracing each other instead. Elliot couldn't speak if he wanted to. He didn't have anything to say and didn't want to fill the silence with empty words. It wasn't Liam's fault. He didn't know loud noises and yelling scared Elliot and that was the first time Liam had ever seen Niall in anything but pictures. 

 

"I'm sorry, Eli," Liam finally said after a while. "I shouldn't have yelled like that. In the middle of a restaurant with not provocation at all other than him coming towards you. It was so wrong and so immature of me and I'm sorry."

"It's fine, babe." Elliot said softly, meaning it in a sense. "Is it okay if we go back to mine? I kind of just want to go to sleep." 

"Of course, handsome." Liam nodded quickly and kissed Elliot's forehead gently, rubbing the shorter man's arms gently before leading him back inside where their group of friends had just called for the check. Elliot hadn't even noticed Louis had gone back inside. "We're gonna head out, guys." 

Harry nodded and stood, walking over to Elliot and hugging him tightly. Elliot hugged the tall brunette back even tighter and smiled softly at his friend's crushing embrace. Harry had this thing where when he hugged you, he swayed you back and forth slightly and it made you feel so safe and important for a while. Harry's hugs were Elliot's favourites. When the taller man pulled back, he smiled softly and spoke even softer. "Call me if you need to talk, okay?"

Elliot nodded, taking the offer to heart and returned the soft smile. "Yeah. Drive home safe, H."

"I always do."

 

With that, Elliot hugged everyone else goodbye and apologised to Zayn and Perrie profusely about the dinner and offered to pay for their next outing as a make up for the drama filled end of dinner. The two insisted that it was fine and he didn't have to, but Elliot was already making plans to as he hugged the two goodbye as well. Skylar held onto the blond fiercely and kissed the top of his head, making a promise to be back at the apartment in a few hours before ruffling his quickly curling hair. After saying their goodbyes and a quick glance back at Niall's table, Elliot and Liam left the restaurant; driving back to Elliot's apartment. The apartment was warm and smelt like home and Elliot embraced the comfortable while taking off his coat and shoes. Dropping his keys into the bowl, Elliot looked at Liam and smiled gently. Liam smiled back, but his brown eyes were clouded in thought. The sight of Liam's distant eyes made Elliot sigh and he took his boyfriend's hand, walking down the hall to his bedroom and pulling his sweater over his head while Liam simply sat down on the edge of the bed; watching Elliot change into pyjamas. It was a while before Liam broke the silence and when he did, his tone was quiet and carefully neutral. 

 

"Did you and Niall ever talk about getting married?"

Christ. Elliot had to close his eyes for a moment and was thankful his back was to Liam so the brown eyed man sitting on the bed couldn't read his expression as he pulled on his favourite Spider-Man shirt. "We were together for five years, Li." His voice was just as quiet. "He went to three weddings with me in that time frame. It was brought up a few times."

Liam was quiet for a minute and Elliot wasn't ready to turn around and face him yet. "You guys got this apartment together originally."

"Yeah. Me, him, Sky and Chris got it together two years into college." Elliot cleared his throat and finally turned to face Liam; who only had a slightly curious expression on his face. "Why?"

"I just wanted to know how intense things were between you guys, I guess." Liam said before finally standing up and unbuckling his jeans. Though they had only been dating for a little over a month unofficially and three weeks officially, Liam stayed the night more nights than not and Elliot spent a few nights out of the week over at Liam's. They had never done anything apart from the kind of making out one would see in a teen film, but it was nice to wake up next to someone again. 

"We were together for half a decade." Elliot stated again as he got into bed while Liam kicked off his jeans and got in beside him. Elliot took his glasses off and rested them on his nightstand after plugging his phone in. "It was about as serious as it could get. Until it wasn't."

"Until it wasn't." Liam echoed and looked at Elliot after turning off the lamp, reaching across the bed and gently tracing the tips of his fingers over the bare skin of Elliot's arm. It was quiet for a while and Elliot had almost fallen asleep when Liam spoke again. "I just don't want to be a replacement, you know? A stand in while you recover."

 

At that, Elliot open his eyes and gazed at Liam's blurred silhouette in the darkness of his bedroom. The sheets smelled like a mixture of his fabric softener and Liam's shampoo. A scent that had grown comforting to Elliot and in the bathroom there was Liam's spare toothbrush next to his and the kind of coffee Liam liked was in the cupboard next to Elliot's hot cocoa mix. Liam was more than a stand in and that was what hurt Elliot the most. It would be easier if Liam was simply a rebound. A replacement while Elliot found his footing again and moved onto bigger and better things, but he wasn't. The puppy dog, brown eyed man with the kind smile and warm embrace had become a part of his life since meeting him in October and there was no denying or getting around that fact.

 

"You're not a replacement, Liam." Elliot said in a soft, genuine voice after another minute of silence. "You're more than that. You're your own person and I like you for different reasons than I liked him. You're different and you're not a replacement. There's nothing about us-" he motioned between them in the dark. "that's anything like how Niall and I were. I promise." 

 

Liam nodded, seeming happy with that answer before pulling Elliot closer and gently wrapping his arms around the shorter man. Elliot did the same and closed his eyes, his own words replaying in his head. He was telling the truth. This was nothing like Elliot had with Niall and that was the worst part. Elliot wanted it to be like it was with Niall and so when his phone buzzed on the nightstand at half past three in the morning; Elliot untangled himself from Liam's body and took his phone into the bathroom. Accepting the call and pressing the phone against his ear; Elliot closed his eyes and breathed out a soft greeting; unable to fight the smile that turned his lips up at the greeting on the other end of the phone; the guilt already pooling in his stomach as his heart picked up speed.

 

"Hi, moon."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elliot is weak and all Liam wants is to be a good boyfriend. Louis is the best best friend and I have no idea if Zayn will be a permanent character we'll see. My cat says hi and he loves you all a lot.
> 
> -Tom


	8. before (2012)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm uploading this, my cat is walking over my laptop demanding attention I hope you like it. 
> 
> -Tom

Halloween had come and past; Niall and Elliot having dressed up as nerds while Louis and Harry dressed up as Prince Phillip and Flynn Rider. Skylar and Chris had dressed up like Sandy and Danny from Grease and the six of them attended the Halloween party Louis' frat was hosting. The party had been great and their Instagrams had flooded with pictures from that night. Of course, hangovers followed the next morning and the six had decided to order in for the entire day while lounging around the dorm Elliot and Skylar shared. 

After Halloween, Niall and Elliot were suddenly hit with preparing for midterms and spent more time in Niall's single dorm so the two could study in peace; taking a break every two hours to get refills of their coffee and cuddle on Niall's single person bed. The two didn't feel a rush to go any further than they already had, sharing shy kisses over their text and notebooks; their thighs pressed against each other's as Niall studied for his Music History class and Elliot for his Psychology class. Perfectly innocent and as Skylar would say after watching Elliot linger in the doorway while saying goodbye to his new boyfriend, "Adorable and kind of sickeningly cute." Elliot would simply blush a bright crimson and shove Skylar before dropping down next to her and proceeding to tell her about his day, listening to her talk about her day and upcoming plans with Chris or some of her friends from her art classes while making plans for just the two of them. 

After saying goodnight to Skylar, who had begun to spend more and more nights over at Chris' dorm; Elliot would call Louis or Harry over depending on his mood. If he called Louis, the two would order a pizza and play video games until late while talking about school, soccer and theatre. If he called Harry, the two would generally go out to the local cafe after shopping for new books and the scented candles Elliot was quickly becoming addicted to thanks to the curly haired boy. Harry and Elliot talked more about their families back home and their respective boyfriends over cocoa and the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies the campus cafe had to offer. Two completely different friendships and both equally as important as the other and through the different friendships, he could see how Louis and Harry complimented each other in the best ways and had come to the conclusion those two were pretty much made for each other. 

That thought crossed Elliot's mind now as the group of six were sat in the library studying for their midterms. They tried to study as a group at least once a week, seeing as they got more done together rather than apart. Harry and Louis were wrapped up in each other; Harry kissing Louis' cheek gently whenever the shorter boy got distracted and Louis gently squeezing Harry's knee when he noticed him getting a little too stressed over a certain section. Small actions and gestures that most people wouldn't even think of and the sight made Elliot's heart warm as he leaned into Niall slightly; the blue eyed boy looking at him and smiling softly before pecking his lips gently. 

 

"How's your music history coming?" Elliot asked in the soft voice he had adapted in the library.

Niall shrugged and gently pushed some of Elliot's hair away from his face. Elliot blushed deeply at the action. "It's coming. I kind of understand what's going on, but for the most part I'm just struggling to remember names."

Elliot nodded and rested his head on Niall's shoulder, looking down at the messy notes the other boy had written. He knew he wouldn't be able to grasp the notes, but as long as Niall did then it didn't matter. "Have you thought of making up little nicknames for each composer?" He offered, tapping his own pencil against the table while speaking. "You know, take an interesting thing you learned about each one and make a memorable nickname for them based on it?"

"Maybe," Niall nodded, kissing the top of Elliot's head gently and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "I'll try that and see if it helps. How's your studying going?"

"I'm fairly confident I won't fail the class." Elliot chuckled softly and smiled as he looked back at his notes. 

 

Niall snorted quietly and smiled as he looked over the notes Elliot was writing. After their small conversation, the young couple went back to studying and if they played an innocent game of footsies under the table, then no one needed to know. The group of six studied for another hour before Louis announced he was three seconds away from hitting himself in the face with his English book and they all collectively decided to stop by the campus coffee shop on the way back to their dorms. Niall and Elliot both got hot cocoas, having bonded over their mutual hatred for coffee while the rest of the group either got some fancy coffee or tea and began the walk back to their dorms. Skylar told Elliot that she was going to Chris's dorm for the night and the nineteen year old nodded, smiling as Niall leaned further into him and squeezing his hip gently. The night was cold and the students were bundled up in their winter coats, matching shades of reds on their noses and cheeks, but Elliot's chest was warm with happiness and cocoa and the blue eyed boy didn't know if life got any better than it was right then. His best friends and boyfriend walking along the sidewalk, laughing over things their professors said or something that happened at a party the weekend before while the cold November air bit at their faces was the picture of youth; all faces smiling and each couple wrapped up in each other. 

By the time Niall and Elliot got back to Elliot and Skylar's dorm, Louis, Harry, Skylar and Chris had already left to their dorms and their conversation had reared from light and funny conversations to one about the upcoming break for Thanksgiving and Elliot was quick to learn that Niall hadn't gone home to visit his family since moving away. Elliot frowned, but could see in his boyfriend's expression that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about so instead; the nineteen year old let Niall in and tossed his book bag onto the small love seat. Niall did the same before sitting down and leaning back against the love seat with a soft smile. 

 

"Do you wanna come with me and Skylar for Thanksgiving?" Elliot asked curiously, not wanting his boyfriend to feel uncomfortable or like this was just a pity ask. "Skylar comes over every year so I know Mom won't mind if you come this year, too."

A smile broke over Niall's face and he nodded, Elliot's heart skipping a beat before racing in his chest. "I'd really like that, El," he said honestly. "When do you usually go back?"

"Right after our last midterm." Elliot walked to the tiny bedroom and shrugged out of his jacket before pulling his shirt over his head, his chest bind following quickly after. He continued to speak while grabbing a random shirt from the drawer and putting it on, walking back out to Niall who was now turning on the PlayStation and looking through the games. "We pack a suitcase and get everything the car the night before so we can just leave after we're both done with our midterms."

Niall nodded before sighing and turning off the PlayStation, sitting back on the love seat next to where Elliot had made himself comfortable. "Alright. Can I stay the night?" He smiled at his boyfriend and opened his arms, Elliot immediately shifted and leaned against him. 

"I mean, I  _guess_ ," Elliot teased as he wrapped his arms around Niall's middle and kissed his cheek affectionately, grinning when the blond blushed a dark red. "Of course you can, loser."

"Oh gee, thanks." Niall laughed and shook his head, his fingers threading through Elliot's hair absently. Elliot leaned back into the touch with an appreciative hum. "You really know how to make a guy feel wanted."

 

Elliot snorted softly and reached up to gently rest his hand on the back of Niall's neck, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. Niall smiled against Elliot's lips and kissed back easily, cupping the other boy's cheek gently and rubbing his thumb over Elliot's blushing cheekbone. The kiss was short and sweet, both boys pulling away after a minute or two. Niall smiled at Elliot and kissed his forehead gently before turning on the TV, flipping through the channels before settling on a re-run of Friends. The two boys watched the sitcom and talked about classes, friends and space until Elliot fell asleep; his head on Niall's shoulder and Niall's arms around him. It was how the nineteen year old woke up and in the few minutes before Niall woke up, the blond just gazed at him; his vision blurry without the aid of his glasses which Niall must have taken off after Elliot fell asleep. Niall's head was rested back against the love seat and his lips were parted slightly, soft snores passing them as his chest rose and fell evenly and Elliot lost his breath for a moment. He looked so peaceful while sleeping and Elliot wanted to stay there forever, but the moment didn't last very long. Niall woke up a few moments later, blinking lazily at the ceiling before smiling at Elliot and kissing the tip of his nose lightly, making the blue eyed boy scrunch up his nose slightly with a smile. When Niall spoke, his voice was raspy with sleep.

 

"Good morning," the boy yawned, stretching and wiping the sleep from his eyes. "Did you sleep okay?"

Elliot nodded and sat up, kissing Niall's cheek before standing up and stretching out properly. "Yeah." He reached for the remote and turned the television off before looking back at his boyfriend, who was smiling at him fondly. "What?"

Niall shrugged and stood as well, smiling widely and flashing his braces. "You're just really cute in the morning."

Elliot blushed deeply and smiled, but playfully shoved Niall's shoulder. "Shut up and get to class." 

"Yes, sir."

 

Elliot snorted a laugh when Niall gave him a mock salute before going to get dressed. He smiled at himself in the mirror that hung above the dresser as he pulled a clean shirt over his head, his binder already on before grabbing his jacket. When he was dressed and ready, he walked back over to Niall who was checking his phone and pinched the back of the boy's neck; earning a little yelp and a playful glare before the two grabbed their backpacks and walked to their classes hand in hand. 

 

 

~.~

 

"God dammit, Skylar," Elliot said as he tried to stuff his suitcase into the trunk of his car. It wasn't fitting and Skylar was the only one to blame. "Why do you have to pack so much? We're only gonna be gone for a few days. Not a few months."

Skylar chuckled and shrugged, looking back at where Niall and Chris were talking before answering. "Why don't I just take my car this time?" She asked, looking back at Elliot who was still trying to shove his suitcase in. "I mean, Chris is coming too so there definitely isn't going to be room for everyone's things." 

"No, I'll make it work," Elliot insisted and with a grunt and one last hard shove, the suitcase finally fit. "See? I've got the magic touch." He wiggled his fingers in Skylar's face, earning a laugh and a shove.

"Please never do that again, you freak of nature." 

Elliot grinned proudly before shutting the trunk and letting the smile slip from his face. Skylar noticed his change in mood and frowned slightly, but waited for her best friend to speak. "What if my dad brings it up again?" 

Skylar's face immediately flashed with concern and understanding before she pulled Elliot into a gentle hug. "You know what your mom said to him last year. He'd be stupid if he brought it up. Especially in front of two people who don't know him."

Elliot nodded and hugged Skylar back, though still slightly unconvinced before pulling away and calling over Niall and Chris. "Come on guys, I wanna get there before it gets too late."

 

Chris and Niall jogged over and smiled at Elliot and Skylar before all four piled into Elliot's car. Niall and Skylar argued over who got shotgun until Elliot told them if they didn't quit arguing, Chris would be the one riding in the front and they eventually agreed on Niall getting it the way there and Skylar on the way back. From there, the drive consisted of snacks being thrown, loud music, laughter and at some point they had to pull over when Chris got carsick. All four shouted along with the radio, grins on their faces as they sang along with the latest top forty songs and by the time they got to Elliot's childhood home; their throats were raw from the singing and laughing and Elliot's car was a mess. A mess he wasn't going to clean up. Getting their bags out of the car, Elliot, Niall, Skylar and Chris walked up the porch steps and into the home Elliot spent every day of his childhood. 

 

"Mother, I am home!" Elliot called out and grinned when his little sister rounded the corner from the hall into the living room, crashing into her brother's open arms. "Hey, Jazzy." He greeted the fifteen year old. 

"Did you bring me anything?" Jasmine asked right away, leaning back from the hug and grinning innocently. 

Elliot shook his head and laughed softly. "You ask that every time I come home and the answer is the same every time."

Jasmine huffed and pouted, but was quickly distracted by the two boys she didn't know standing behind Elliot. Skylar had already made herself at home, walking to the kitchen to say hello to his mom. "Who are you guys?" She asked with a smile, batting her eyelashes. Elliot rolled his eyes.

"Jaz, this is my boyfriend Niall." He motioned to Niall who smiled and waved at Jasmine. Her shoulders visibly deflated and Elliot motioned to Chris next. "And this is Skylar's boyfriend, Chris." 

"Hi," Chris said with a slightly awkward smile. 

"Hey," Jasmine responded and smiled back before looking at Elliot again. "Mom said to tell you when you got here to put your stuff in your room and Sky in the guest room and then get ready for dinner."

 

Elliot nodded and sighed when he saw that Skylar had abandoned her suitcase for Elliot to take to the guest room; grabbing it and showing Niall and Elliot around the house. After setting Skylar and Elliot's things down in the guest room, Elliot led Niall to his room and stopped outside the door which still had the Justin Timberlake poster tacked onto it. Niall stopped behind him and smiled fondly at the poster, nudging his boyfriend lightly before Elliot finally opened the door and stepped into the room he grew up in. Niall followed suit and almost cooed at the sight of his boyfriend's room. The walls were painted almost a baby blue colour and curtains with worn teddy bears on them covered the windows; posters of different music artists and movies hung on the wall next to photographs of Elliot and his friends and family throughout the years. Trophies, books, stuffed animals and old board games sat on shelves and a Spider-Man bed set was neatly made up. The room screamed Elliot and by the look on Niall's face, the nineteen year old could tell he liked it. That eased a lot of the anxiety Elliot had about showing his boyfriend his room and he smiled at the other boy before setting their suitcases down in the corner of the room. 

 

"So here's a heads up about my family." Elliot took Niall's hands and squeezed gently, knowing that at any moment one of his older brothers could come barging in. "They don't understand the terms privacy or personal space and my dad is-" Elliot cut himself off before shaking his head and smiling. "My dad is a bit of a character."

Niall nodded and smiled despite his confused expression, pulling Elliot in for a light kiss. "If your family is anything like you, I think I'll manage."

 

Elliot blushed and squeezed Niall's hands again before letting go of one and leading his boyfriend down the stairs to the kitchen where everyone was. His oldest brother was standing by the table, his one year old son bouncing on his hip while he talked to Skylar about the music festival he had been to last month and his sister was helping his mom prep their Thanksgiving dinner. His mom stopped prepping and looked up when Elliot walked into the room, her smile bright and familiar as she walked over and hugged her youngest son tightly. Elliot hugged her back and smiled happily, closing his eyes and breathing in the comforting scent of his mother.

 

"Hi, Mommy," the nineteen year old said, hugging her tighter before letting go and stepping back to introduce Niall to his family. "This is Niall. My boyfriend."

Kiara looked at Niall and smiled before bringing him into a hug. "Hi there, sweetheart." Elliot's mom leaned back to arm's length to get a better look at her son's boyfriend. "It's lovely to meet you. I'm Kiara."

"It's wonderful to meet you, too," Niall said with a shy smile as Kiara stepped back. "Your home is beautiful."

Nicholas took this opportunity to squeeze into the conversation, raising and eyebrow as he looked Niall up and down. "You're taller than I thought you would be," he said, shifting the baby on his hip. "I'm Nick. Elliot's brother."

"It's nice to meet you, Nick." Niall nodded and smiled at Nicholas, shaking his hand before smiling at the baby boy who was staring at him with a drooly smile. "Who's this little guy?"

The baby bounced on his father's hip and reached out for Niall, making grabby hands. Nicholas laughed and handed him over to Niall who held him gently. "This is Noah." The pride in Elliot's oldest brother's voice rang in every word. "He just turned a year old."

"He's precious," Niall said, taking the baby's hand and bouncing him on his hip. "Hi there, Noah. I'm Niall. It's very nice to meet you."

 

Elliot leaned against the counter and smiled at he watched his boyfriend interact with his family, grinning while shouting playful insults when his older brother James came into the kitchen and pulled Elliot into a headlock; egging him with questions about university and his new boyfriend. It was a few more minutes before Kiara kicked the kids out of the kitchen, telling them she couldn't cook with four rowdy boys making a mess in her kitchen and that dinner would be ready in a minute. Skylar and Chris were sitting at the table already when the four boys sat down at the table, Niall hooking his ankle around Elliot's halfway through dinner and Elliot knew then that he wanted Niall to come back for Christmas. For every holiday, if he was being honest and it must have shown on his face because his boyfriend smiled softly and nodded as some sort of confirmation that he wanted to come back again and Elliot's heart swelled to the size of a soccer ball. 

Later that night after most everyone had gone to bed, apart from his sister who was sitting in the living room on the phone; Niall and Elliot sat on the front porch, wrapped up in each other as they watched the sky. Elliot pointed out constellations that he knew and Niall listened, his fingers gently threading through his boyfriend's hair and it wasn't long before the two felt silent, just watching the sky. 

 

"You're like the moon," Niall said after a while of quiet, startling Elliot a little. 

"How so?" Elliot asked curiously with a smile, looking at Niall and poking his cheek lightly. Niall laughed softly. 

"Because the moon is the only star that can be seen during the night and the day. And the moon just so happens to be my favourite thing in the sky."

Elliot blushed, but didn't elaborate on what Niall meant about it being visible during the night and day. "So are you saying I'm your favourite thing on the ground, then?"

Niall looked at Elliot for a moment before smiling softly. "You're just my favourite. My moon."

 

Elliot liked that. He liked that a lot.


	9. after (2018)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so there is a trigger warning for this chapter. Elliot has a panic attack and I try to make it as vague as possbile because I know how triggering they can be. 
> 
> -Tom

"Mom, I'm fine," Elliot sighed into the receiver, stepping out his cigarette and leaning against the wall outside the grocery store he worked at. "Who told you?"

"It doesn't matter who told me, Elliot." There was a noise on Kiara's end and Elliot could hear Tyler yell something. "You could barely get out of bed, Ellie. Your friends were worried you'd gotten bad again. Liam was worried."

Elliot tensed slightly and took off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose while he spoke. "It wasn't a big deal." He hated having this conversation. "They made a bigger deal out of it than it really was. I just didn't feel good and it had nothing to do with him."

His mother was quiet for a moment before speaking in a soft tone. "I was so scared when you got bad, Ellie. You wouldn't get out of bed for almost three weeks. You got so skinny and I didn't know if I was going to lose you."

Elliot fell silent and closed his eyes, putting his glasses back on and taking a deep breath. "I promise that isn't gonna happen again, Mommy." He hated thinking about the first few months after the breakup. "I'm better now. I promise."

Both Kiara and Elliot were quiet until Elliot could hear Tyler's voice again, close than before and he smiled softly. "Tell Ty I said hey," he said quietly. "I've got to get back to work, okay? I'll call you later tonight."

"Alright, sweetie," Kiara said. "I love you. Give Skylar a hug for me."

"Love you, too. I will."

 

Elliot hung up the phone and stepped back into the store, smiling at one of his co-workers before walking back to the bakery where he had been working for the day. Skylar was wiping down one of the tables that people would sit down and eat at while shopping and stopped to look at Elliot, a hesitant expression on her face. Elliot ignored her and tied the apron back around his waist before grabbing the pan of cooling bread to put on display. the silence was tense and both friends were too stubborn to be the first one to break it, so it dragged on until Skylar finally sighed and left Elliot alone to do his job. The moment his best friend was gone, Elliot's shoulders slumped forward and he closed his eyes. He hated how tense it was between him and his friends now, but one of them had told his mom about Niall showing up at the restaurant and how he and Liam got into the loud and public argument which led to Elliot almost having a panic attack. Though, that wasn't the part that kept him in bed the next morning. The conversation he had with Niall later that night over the phone did. An echo of Niall's voice telling Elliot he didn't think Liam was right for him shook the twenty-three year old a little and he had to take a steadying breath before opening his eyes again and getting the cookies that had been prepared an hour before setting them on display in a kind of daze. 

His work shift ended a few hours later and instead of going home, Elliot drove to the baseball field next to the lake he grew up going to. Once there, he cut the engine and stepped out of the car; walking to the edge of the water and lighting another cigarette. The quiet of the lake and empty, snow covered baseball field helped calm Elliot's mind as he smoked his cigarette; watching the water lap against the snowy shore. This had always been his thinking spot growing up, memories of himself getting on his bike and coming down to the quiet water when life at home or in general got to be too much; the waves and nature always calming him down when nothing else could. He had grown so used to the quiet that the sound of footsteps in the snow approaching him made Elliot jump and he turned back to see Niall of all people standing a few feet away from him. Neither men said anything for a while, just stared at each other as the cold air nipped at their cheeks and noses; the water still lapping at the frozen sand of the shore. 

 

Elliot was the first to break the silence. "What are you doing here?" 

"You weren't answering the phone," Niall said, walking closer so he was standing at the water a few feet away from Elliot. "I knew I couldn't go to the apartment so I drove by and your car wasn't there." 

Elliot nodded and lit another cigarette, ignoring the look Niall gave him when he inhaled the nicotine. "Why are you looking for me?" He asked, his voice level. Elliot was starting to get used to talking to Niall again and he knew he shouldn't, but it was too late.

The brunette shrugged slightly before answering. "Just kind of wanted to talk to you face to face, I guess. It's different than over the phone." 

Elliot was hesitant to answer to that. It was easier to talk to Niall over the phone because he could pretend the call never happened and he didn't have to see the face he was so familiar with react to the things he said. "What do you wanna talk about?" The hesitation in Elliot's voice was obvious.

"I miss you, moon," Niall said quietly after a moment. "I don't like seeing you with Liam."

 

It felt like the breath had been knocked out of Elliot and he froze in his spot. Niall had told Elliot that he missed him over the phone, but it was so different hearing it in person. Seeing Niall's expression as he spoke the words and for a moment, Elliot's resolved almost crumbled and he almost ran into Niall's arms. Something he had fantasised about doing for months after the breakup, but something kept him planted to the ground. Reality came crashing in a moment later and he remembered that Niall had been the one to leave and he couldn't take that back. Even if he could, Elliot had worked so hard to become a normal, functioning adult. He had a boyfriend who cared about him and who he cared about and Niall left. Niall left after promising him they would be together until the last star in the night sky died and it almost killed Elliot. He couldn't let Niall back in just with those words. He wouldn't make it this time if he did.

 

"You can't just say things like that, Niall." Elliot's voice was soft and pleading. "I have a life and a boyfriend and a job and-"

"I know," Niall interrupted, looking a little pained. Like he regretted telling Elliot. "I know you do and I respect that I just... I just-"

"I need to go." Elliot was already walking past Niall, his eyes locked on his car and he sped walk through the snow. 

 

Niall didn't follow him and Elliot was thankful as he got into the car, starting it and almost speeding out of the parking lot without waiting for the car to heat up. He didn't slow down until he was on the main road and even then, he did five over the limit until he got back to his apartment. Stumbling into the front door once he got up to the apartment, Elliot's vision was blinded with tears and his breathing was short and erratic. Chris shot up from where he was napping on the sofa, his brown eyes wide and alarmed at the sight of Elliot shaking more and more with each step into the apartment; clutching the sofa and struggling for breath as tears fell down his cheeks in heavy rivers. Getting up off the sofa, Chris led Elliot over to the seat closest to the window, speaking in a voice that sounded far away and muffled. It was like Elliot was under water, not being able to get a proper breath and his chest burning while his mind reeled in directions he couldn't control. He could hear more than one voice now but couldn't focus on either, the first sob raking up his chest and sending a line of pain with it. He was shaking violently with the force of his sobs and gasps of breath between them, barely aware of the voices around him or the hand on the back of his neck; his mind screaming at him about a million different things at once. Elliot was sure he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen and die and those thoughts only made everything worse, quickly losing the feeling in his fingers and toes and the burning in his chest spreading through his entire body. 

He was vaguely aware of a third voice joining the two muddled and far away voices and a hand touched his cheek, coaxing his eyes open. Elliot didn't even notice he had closed them and when they did open, a pair of soft hazel eyes met his. His mother. She held his gaze and kept the hand on his cheek while speaking words that jumbled together and mixed into sentences Elliot couldn't understand, but her gaze held his and he fought to keep his eyes open. The eyes that were familiar and kind, crinkles from years of happiness and laughter lining the corners of them. He focused on them long enough for the words she was speaking to make sense and while he still shook and cried, he could return the grip his mother had on his hand using her free one. 

 

"Ellie, I need you to focus on my voice, okay?" She said in the same soothing voice that assured him there were no monsters under his bed or in the closet when he was little and helped him stop crying when he fell of his bike at the park while learning to ride it. "Do you remember when you were twelve and we went to the beach with Nancy and her kids?"

 

Elliot remembered almost every detail of that day. He and his family went to Newport Beach with their family friends and Elliot had refused to wear the bikini his mother bought; opting for the trikini he'd gotten the year before. Nancy, his mother's best friend had a son Elliot's age and Elliot had the biggest, dorkiest crush on him. That day, it seemed that Ryan might have actually returned his feelings; the two staying by each other all day long and chasing each other up and down the beach. It was the day of Elliot's extremely awkward first kiss. 

 

Kiara could tell Elliot could understand and was listening to her by the way his breathing slowed slightly and continued to speak. "Do you remember how you bragged about kissing Ryan all the way home? You were so happy that day, Ellie. Can you remember that for me?"

 

Elliot nodded slightly and after almost fifteen minutes later, his breathing had slowed and he wasn't crying anymore though he was still shaking. His mother pulled him in for a gentle hug and stroked his hair while her son pressed his face against her neck, closing his eyes and suddenly feeling exhausted. When they pulled back from the hug, her eyes were concerned and worried. He broke their gaze by looking out the window over the street and cleared his throat slightly. He could hear Chris and Skylar murmuring in the kitchen and sighed softly before speaking softly. 

 

"I'm sorry for scaring you."

Kiara frowned and shook her head, not forcing Elliot to look at him. She learned long ago that wasn't a good thing to do. "Don't apologise for this, Ellie. You never have to apologise for the things that are out of your control."

Elliot nodded and stared out at the street, waiting a minute to speak. "Today just wasn't a good day is all."

Kiara raised her eyebrow and gave Elliot an unconvinced look before shaking her head and sighing. "You're a grown man, Elliot." She stood and pushed her son's hair away from his forehead. "I can't control you, but you're not telling us something and it's obviously something big."

"I'm not-" Elliot cut himself off before pushing himself off the sofa and brushed himself off. His hands shook and he clenched his fists. "I'm not keeping anything from anyone." Lie. A huge lie and Elliot would keep it going for as long as he possibly could. "I'm tired. Tell Skylar and Chris I went to bed."

"Without dinner?" Kiara's expression fell into one of worry. "Ellie, when was the last time you ate?"

"Lunch," Elliot said with a sigh, hating the fact that he was worrying his mom. "I had a sandwich and some chips at the deli on my break before you called me. Please let me sleep, Mom." 

 

Kiara looked at Elliot for a moment before sighing and nodding, squeezing his hand gently and letting her son walk down the hall to his bedroom. Once there, Elliot took off his shoes and turned the light off before crawling under his covers; sleep finding him the moment he took his glasses off and rested his head against his pillow. He didn't know how long he was asleep before he heard his door open, keeping his eyes closed as someone quietly walked into his room. A pair of lips gently touched his forehead and he could hear Liam murmur something; too soft to distinct before the weight of his boyfriend getting into bed next to him dented the mattress. A pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled Elliot close and the twenty-three year old turned without opening his eyes, wrapping his own arms around Liam and curling against the taller man's chest. Neither of them said anything and it wasn't long before a more peaceful sleep found the twenty-three year old; his dreams just flashes of Niall and their relationship through the years and the dreams pulled the corners of the man's lips up into a smile despite the feeling of slight guilt that lingered in the back of Elliot's mind and heart.

 

 


End file.
